Controlling your Moods and Emotions
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Each day brings us a whole new suite of emotions.
Joy, despair, excitement, boredom; Everything in between and more.
Sometimes we feel like a passenger aboard a ship caught adrift at the mercy of the ever-changing currents.
So long as the wind blows in our favour, we feel confident and satisfied. But, the second it turns against us, and we start to see the rocks looming close, the good feelings evaporate – Quickly replaced by frustration and disappointment – until the wind changes again, of course!
Wouldn’t it be great to have more control over our moods?
We all know people who seem to ‘get’ it. Those individuals are focused, positive, and able to bring their best selves even under the direst of circumstances. They have this clarity that’s nothing short of superhuman or even magical.
The good news is that even us mere mortals can control our moods.
It’s a skill, meaning you can learn, practice, and develop it.
This means that, in time, you’ll spend less time at the mercy of circumstance and, instead, you’ll be able to use your newfound abilities to feel the way you want when you want to achieve more at home and at work.
A tale of two brains: The Emotional and the Rational Brain
To control your mood, you must first understand where your emotions come from.
In simple terms, humans have two brains; A rational brain and an emotional brain.
The emotional brain was dead handy as far as prehistoric human interactions were concerned. It kept us alive by making us hypervigilant to danger. Ever sceptical, on guard, and ready to react (sometimes explosively) at a microsecond’s notice.
It goes without saying that these traits aren’t always helpful in the safer world we find ourselves in today. Indeed, if you’re not careful, the emotional brain can lead you down a path you’d rather not travel.
When we get triggered, the words and behaviour that follow are driven almost entirely by our emotional brain. They’re hasty, and sometimes we can feel like a passenger in that we can see that these actions aren’t the right way to respond but feel powerless to do anything about it. It’s as if our brain is on autopilot!
Then, we have the rational brain. Our logical brain, unsurprisingly, controls our “higher” functions – Thought, reasoning, and all of the decisions that flow from them. It’s this brain that we want to use when we’re trying to control our mood.
By tapping into our rational brain, we can appraise any situation and think, “Why am I feeling like this.” Doing so slows us down, giving us those critical seconds we need to formulate a response that addresses our triggers and elevates our mood.
“This begs the question; how do we bring ourselves to the place where we can do this – especially in the face of something that usually triggers us?”
The answer is simple: Curiosity
Don’t get mad; get curious
People who are in control of their moods tend to have one thing in common:
They live in a state of curiosity.
Now, this is something other than an outward curiosity. Only some people are interested in the people and world around them, and that’s okay!
Instead, this curiosity is directed inward. They’re fundamentally aware of their emotional state because they always ask why – about the good and the bad.
Why do I feel this way? – Why did I react poorly to that? – Why does this make me happy when it didn’t yesterday?
Think of this constant, curious inner monologue as your companion. A little person in your head whose job is to stimulate your rational brain and keep your emotional brain turned down. This is essential because we’re at our best when our rational and emotional brains work together. However, the problem is that our emotional brain is 5x more powerful than the logical brain, so the response is overpowering when it hits a trigger.
Asking these questions takes time to come to. It’s a skill that requires constant, conscious effort – at least to begin with. And, I’d be lying to you if I said that sometimes you’d have to ask questions you’d rather not hear the answer to.
However, in time, you’ll find this little voice popping up of its own accord
Perhaps after a meeting that didn’t go well or just before you give an important presentation. When you listen to the question and stop to think about the answer, you can experience incredible comfort in even the most trying situations. This, in turn, builds your confidence and helps you ascend to ever more positive moods to reap all the benefits they bring.
You could stop reading now and develop your curiosity independently. No doubt you’ll get there in time.
But, if you want to start making a giant first step towards controlling your moods and emotions today, you’ll need a little something to hold on to.
Enter The Feelings Ladder…
The Feelings Ladder does what it says on the tin.
It’s a ladder with feelings that help us perform at our best at the top and feelings that don’t at the bottom.
When you step on (get curious), the rung your foot lands on will quickly tell you where you’re at emotionally.
Then, you hold on tight and climb up.
Sometimes, you’ll hit a patch of water or get knocked by a gust of wind and slip down a rung (or four)!
To be clear, these dips are inevitable and part and parcel of daily life. But, by having a firm grip on the Feelings Ladder, you’re only one step away from identifying and overcoming your trigger. This makes staying at the top end of the Feelings Ladder – where you’re self-actualised and ready to bring your best self – manageable. Best of all, it’ll be entirely within your control.
Climbing The Feelings Ladder
Climbing The Feelings Ladder is straightforward but sometimes as easy as putting one foot in front of the other, Particularly when you find yourself in the darkest depths near the ground.
Fortunately, there are strategies that you can employ that will help you rocket up the rungs and into the stratosphere. Techniques that will take you from hostile and stressed to appreciative and optimistic in minutes, not hours or days!
These techniques boil down to one thing: getting you from an unfocused, overwhelmed state and into one where you’re in control, present, and performing at your best.
Here are two techniques to get you started:
Technique 1 – Name it to Tame it
This technique is all about in-the-moment self-regulation.
When you’re feeling triggered, name the feeling – “I am feeling angry,” “I am feeling anxious,” “I am feeling resentful,” etc.
Doing this engages your rational brain and releases hormones that soothe your emotional brain. The net result is you rapidly regaining control, bringing you to a place where you’re ready to start scaling the Feelings Ladder again.
Technique 2 – The 60 Second Pause
All you need to do here is stop.
Not all that useful in the middle of a conversation, but ideal before that big presentation or crunch meeting.
Take yourself away from the situation, go for a walk, or sit with your thoughts for a minute.
This technique breaks the link between feelings and actions, giving you space to calm those feelings you’d rather not have and get back into the driving seat.
The bottom line is when we’re stressed, our emotional brain barges in to take over. This results in our ability to process a situation going out of the window. Instead, we focus on the low-hanging fruit, The things right in front of us. These are usually the same thing that made us stressed and emotional in the first place.
Instead, you want to consciously keep your attention on what matters. In doing this, you gain agency in whatever difficult situation you find yourself in, equipping you to cut through and deal with the root cause. Be it an uncooperative colleague, a nearing deadline, a presentation, or a contentious meeting.
How do you keep this control, even in a stressful situation?
By staying curious and keeping a firm grip on the Feelings Ladder.
Climb up to (and stay in) a heavenly mood – even when things don’t quite go your way.
Controlling your moods and feelings isn’t easy, but it is possible with time and practice.