Setting boundaries:
The best way to care
for yourself and others
- Difficult Conversations
- Feedback
- Influencing
- Insights
- Listening
Compassionate people set boundaries.
This can be a hard pill to swallow because many of us have been led to believe that telling people “no” is unkind. However, the opposite is true. The kindest thing you can do for yourself and those around you is say “no” when needed. Doing so makes it clear to friends, family, and colleagues what is and isn’t acceptable.
If we don’t set boundaries, things get messy – fast! Here’s why:
The importance of setting boundaries in personal and professional relationships
Without boundaries, we’re forced to say yes to everything. Once we get into this habit, we overcommit and end up agreeing to things we don’t feel comfortable doing (or don’t want to do!) regularly. It goes without saying that this is a terrible thing. Because if you’re constantly spending time on tasks and activities you don’t want to do, you’ll have little to no energy left for the people and things that matter.
Worse still, while most won’t go out of their way to exploit you, this approach is a fast track to having people walk all over you. If you’re seen as a “people pleaser,” you’ll be the first person they come to when they want something – no matter how minor or inconsequential and how stressed or busy you are.
To give this idea some context, consider these two points:
- When you duck a necessary conflict to take the easy road to make peace, you miss an opportunity to transform your relationship for the better radically.
- Similarly, whenever you break your boundaries to do something you’ve said in the past that you wouldn’t do, you weaken them in the eyes of others and yourself.
The result is that we become resentful. This isn’t a great place to be if you want to build a happy, healthy work and home life (and, let’s face it, who doesn’t?!).
All of this is pretty straightforward, so it begs the question; if boundaries are vital, why don’t we set them when we know we should? The answer is more straightforward than you think.
Why we don’t set boundaries
More often than not, we don’t set boundaries at work and home because we don’t believe in ourselves.
Perhaps we’re not confident in our ability to do a particular aspect of our job role. Maybe we’re unsure of our ability to handle a potentially difficult conversation with a family member were we to say no. The problem is self-doubt inhibits self-love, and we can never be our best selves until we conquer those niggles at the back of our minds.
Of course, this is easier said than done. And, truthfully, the chances of you banishing self-doubt forever are slim to none. Some self-doubt is natural, especially when tackling a new or unfamiliar challenge. The key is learning the strategies you need to manage it. Here’s one to get you started:
The power of assuming positive intent
As your boundaries hold or fall based on how much you believe in yourself, what you feel about others is crucial. If you train yourself to think that any request comes your way from a positive place, you’re in a great position to say “no” if it’s unreasonable.
This works so well because you remove all of the emotion. The idea that the asker wants to tie you into a covert contract or scheme won’t even cross your mind. It ensures that you see every request that comes your way as a request; whether you agree to it or decline is totally within your control.
Also, by assuming positive intent, you’re perfectly positioned to forgive the person who asks if the request makes you unhappy or triggers you. After all, they meant well, didn’t they?
Whether they meant well or not is irrelevant when you adopt this mindset. It’s still a simple request that you have the power to deal with.
Failing to assume positive intent is a great way to start climbing down the feelings ladder towards a frustrated, judgemental place.
Set boundaries today so you can enjoy tomorrow.
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves enough and be ready to disappoint others. It would be best to be in a positive, assertive place to do it. But, when you do, the impact on your relationships at work and home will be profound.
If setting boundaries is something you or your team struggle with, fill in the contact form. We’ll discuss your situation and determine how I can help you get it right.